


Guards Against Martyrdom

by ConvenientAlias



Category: Sense8 (TV)
Genre: Between Seasons/Series, Character Study, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, suicide prevention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-31 23:39:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10909824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConvenientAlias/pseuds/ConvenientAlias
Summary: "All of these thoughts, all of these feelings, are known so well to each sensate that they have become common knowledge, the intimacy an afterthought, like a distant memory or a book read over and over again. And just as they all know these things, they all know Will is thinking about death."Between seasons, Will wonders if suicide might be the best option to protect the cluster from Whispers. The cluster is determined to talk him out of it.





	Guards Against Martyrdom

Sometimes Will isn’t sure if it’s Whispers he hears speaking to him or a hallucination brought on by the drugs or perhaps merely his imagination. He doesn’t think Whispers would tell him to kill himself, though. Whispers wants Will alive so he can hunt him down, hunt the whole cluster down and take them slowly apart for himself, prying open their brains one by one.

No, he’s pretty sure it isn’t Whispers who wants him to commit suicide. It’s just common sense talking. Common sense dictates that he die, for the good of the sensate cluster. It’s chopping off the limb with gangrene to protect the body. In a sense, he thinks he will even live on.

He doesn’t talk to Riley about it. Riley, who came so close to making the same choice herself, doesn’t deserve this burden. He doesn’t want her to start having to worry, not only about protecting herself and Will from the outside world, but protecting Will from himself. After all she’s been through, she should be able to relax.

He thinks she knows though. He and the other seven can’t keep secrets from each other. Thoughts rustle from one brainstem to the next without any conscious volition. Nothing is private, nothing is sacred. Nothing is really your own—not your treasure to keep, not your burden to bear.

Riley is mourning her child still, now able to accept their death but unable yet to move on. She thinks Will is growing thin and distant. She thinks the drugs cost too much money. She doesn’t know how to make ends meet.

Sun is in a world of stone now. She knows it will not be forever. She is biding her time. Her brother will pay soon enough.

Capheus is proud of his position with the Kabakas now. He still does not think Silas Kabaka is a good man, but he is beginning to sympathize with him nonetheless. His mother’s health is improving. Jela has his spirits at an all time high.

Lito wants to hide from the world. Take Hernando and hide from the world. He has never felt so afraid of eyes on him before. Sometimes even the rest of the sensate seems too much.

Kala is married to Rajan. It is done. They are bound together now, and it worries her. She slipped into this. There were a hundred times she could have run away. She chose him. Was she right? Is she right now to stay?

Nomi kisses Amanita. Amanita kisses Nomi.  They already knew before all this began what it was to be a we.

Wolfgang sits at the hospital bedside of Felix. He will wake up any minute now. Any minute. (Never no never no never no never.) Wolfgang is waiting just a little bit longer. He is thinking about Kala, a girl he has never fucked. He is wondering whether he really wants her sexually the way he first thought he did or if this is evolving into something else.

All of these thoughts, all of these feelings, are known so well to each sensate that they have become common knowledge, the intimacy an afterthought, like a distant memory or a book read over and over again. And just as they all know these things, they all know Will is thinking about death.

* * *

 

“The question,” Kala says to Capheus, “Is whether we can do anything about it. None of us can go to him, physically. We can visit, even if Jonas told him it was a bad idea. But if he steals some extra drugs from Riley…”

“None of us can stop him,” Capheus says. Unless there are ways to force someone’s body to work against them within the sensate. It’s a possibility, but disturbing. And Kala is not sure it would work.

“It’s always been more like we’re working together.”

“Sharing, not forcing.”

Kala says, “I suppose I feel very useless.”

Capheus strokes her back. “There are things which are beyond us in this world. It amazes me to think a year ago I would never have thought about a policeman from Chicago, or whether he lived or died. We live in such small worlds.”

“Now that we have been connected, we cannot let him slip away.”

Capheus agrees with her. 

Now they are sitting next to Will in his small, dimly lit cabin. He is bleary with drugs, but he smiles to see them. He reaches out to embrace them. It is amazing how solid he feels, even though their bodies are far away. The only thing which makes him less solid is how thin he is getting.

“I have to protect you,” he says. He is blinking. “You want to keep me, but I have to go away…”

“Not yet,” Capheus says. “Nomi is making progress on her research. You know she is.”

“I’m trying not to know.”

“Wait for us,” Kala says. “You have to wait.”

And then she is back on the balcony beside Rajan. They have been standing in silence for far longer than must seem natural to him. She has been so distant to them throughout their married life.

How do you save a life, she wants to ask him. You have always been so persuasive with me. How do you tell a man to wait?

* * *

 

Riley knows the first steps have been taken toward him. She knows Kala and Capheus have been there. She does not know every word they said, but she knows they have left Will mournful. He still wants to kill himself, but he is sad because he knows they will be sad.

She helps him into a bath. It is not good to leave him to bathe unattended. He barely has the strength.

* * *

 

Wolfgang almost curses when he sees a derelict sitting by Felix’s bed. Until he recognizes it to be Will. Will Gorski. He hasn’t thought much about the man in months. Will hasn’t been reaching out to anyone lately, and the two of them have never really talked. But he knows what Will is thinking now, looking at Felix’s prone body on the bed: That could be me. That is me, in a way.

He sits down next to Will. “What do you think of him, then?”

Will says, “I don’t know him the way you do.”

“But you think he is you, in many ways. Drugged up and helpless after an attack from an enemy.” Wolfgang remembers how soon Will and Riley’s struggles had followed Felix’s fall. Their lives are paralleling each other in more ways than causality can explain.

Will only stares at Felix. He does not know Felix—this knowledge has not fully filtered into him yet. But he feels the affection Wolfgang does, though not as strongly. A good man, kind and supportive. He has never flinched away from Wolfgang. He has never left Wolfgang’s side. A true friend.

“A brother,” Wolfgang says. “Brotherhood is not always merely determined by blood. We fought together, and he was strong and brave. We are one now.”

“Brave,” Will echoes. But he cannot see it. Felix tried to pull off a grand heist, a grand rebellion with Wolfgang. He tried to buck the system. He got shot. He lost. Brave to try, maybe—but Wolfgang seems to see value in the loss which is not there. Felix is hurt. He is not bravely persevering. He is slowly dying, already lost to the world.

Wolfgang grabs his shirt. “I know you’re mostly thinking about yourself there,” he says. “But watch how you think about my friend.”

Will swallows. “Sorry.” Not everything revolves around him. Not all situations are paralleled. Noted.

Wolfgang lets go. “I do not think of it as Felix’s failure. It was mine. I failed to protect him.” He shakes his head at Will. “We failed to protect you. All of us.”

“You were halfway across the world.”

“You know we were a lot closer than that,” Wolfgang says. “We always are.”

They stare at Felix. Will is sorrowing for Wolfgang—he fears how Wolfgang will mourn when Felix dies. He knows he will be long gone by then most likely, since Felix’s condition is currently stable. He will not be able to lessen the impact at all.

Wolfgang says, “He is not dead yet. He may not die.”

Wolfgang thinks he will though, and Will knows it.

Wolfgang grits his teeth. “He may live or he may die. I have no control over that.” He grabs Will by the shoulder. “You can control whether you die, though. Don’t do it.” His eyes search Will’s. “I won’t have any more idiots dying over me. I don’t care if you think you’re a martyr. That’s not something you do.”

Will smiles vacantly. His eyes are distant. Long before he disappears from the hospital, Wolfgang knows he has ceased to listen.

He stares at Felix. “That is one stupid shit,” he says. Felix couldn’t see Will even if he were awake, so it will probably make just as much sense to him either way. “Bet you could talk him out of this, right? You talked me out of a lot of things.”

No answer.

“I wish you’d wake up.”

* * *

 

In a room far away, Nomi can hear silent screams of desperation. Please save him you have to save him you’re the only one of us who can do anything anymore please Nomi you have to save us all. She puts a pair of earbuds in and turns the music up. She knows what she has to do. But genius takes time, and heroism takes longer.

Even Nancy Drew never cracked her cases in a night.

* * *

 

Lito is sitting next to Will. They are sitting on his futon in the dark cabin. Riley is out somewhere, and Will has been fiddling with a needle. Lito stares at him until he sets it down on a table, and sits back down with Lito to talk.

“How have you been?” Will asks. His voice is casual. He thinks he can out-bluff Lito the actor, make him believe everything is fine. Or perhaps he thinks if they both try hard enough to act that way, they can both believe it together.

Lito cannot act today. “Things are not great,” he confesses. He sprawls back on the futon. “Hernando is behind me, Daniela is behind me, my mother is behind me…Still, it is not enough.” He growls. “I am going out of my mind.”

“I think we all are,” Will says. “Well, we have been for a while.” He shrugs. “I think I’m already out of it.”

“And now we’re in each other’s minds instead.”

It is a sort of refuge.

Lito likes it here. It is not a nice place, of course. Riley has kept it clean for the most part but it smelled when Riley first got here and it still smells now—of old marijuana, sweat and sex and other things. This is probably as good as this house has ever gotten, a DJ and a missing police officer its classiest tenants. Still it is nowhere near as nice as Lito’s apartment (before he moved out) or his mother’s place or any of the hotels he likes to stay. But the windows are all closed and it is dark and quiet, and there is no one here to make him put on a front.

“You and I should switch places,” Will says. “If you like it that much.”

“Maybe. But then Riley would want me to fuck her and I’d be back at square one.”

Will laughs. The one objection he was not expecting.

They talk about small things. Will does not have any news, but he tells Lito stories about his time on the police force, the worst situations he’s been in—never as bad as this, but sometimes close. Lito describes in great detail the plot of the newest movie he’s in. He recites a couple monologues, goes through a whole scene saying everyone’s lines and only differentiating parts by his tone of voice. Will pays close attention.

“You’ve filmed that part yet?”

“Yes, but they say we’ll have to film it again because…”

Diva actresses. Even fussier actors. Even more controlling directors and producers and a whole score of problems with sets and lighting and sound equipment. Lito moves from his current movie to his first big role to his most popular movie to his personal least favorite movie and then some. He is deep in the past now. He may never be such a popular actor again.

“I have a movie coming out in seven months,” Lito says, apropos of nothing.

“And a different one in one month, I think you said.”

“I think the one in seven months will be better,” Lito says. “Will you go see it?”

Will says, “Sure, if I can.”

They don’t talk about the reasons he might not be able to go. Instead, Lito begins to describe the plot in very abstract terms, and very complimentary. He says he can’t spoil everything but he thinks Will would really like it.

Will nods. Sure.

* * *

 

Capheus says to the spirit of Van Damme, “If anyone could get through to him…”

Sun says, “What makes you think I know how to talk a man out of dying?” She tilts her head, eyes gleaming in the half light of her solitary cell. The walls have traces of blood on them here and there, here and there.

Capheus shrugs. “You saved my life once.”

“That was different.” Sun hits the wall with the flat of her palm. Less fragile than her knuckles. “I’ll see what I can do.”

* * *

 

“They say my cell is safe too,” Sun says, sitting down next to Will. “But my brother is still trying to kill me. I have to get out soon.”

Will is too out of it to offer a very useful opinion. But he is sympathetic.

“I think you should not commit suicide,” Sun says.

“I’m trying to protect you.”

“I tried to give up my life too,” Sun says. “To protect my brother.” She smiles, tremulous. “It didn’t work out as well as I hoped.”

“Your brother wasn’t worth it.”

“That’s not why I regret it,” Sun says. “Do you know why?”

Yes. Because she wasn’t able to protect her father. Because she let her brother have the opportunity to do something terrible. Because now, she can’t kill him or get her vengeance because she took away all the tools she might have used, even her own freedom.

“There is nothing I can do to protect you now,” Will says. “I am the danger.”

“You saved Nomi’s life and Riley’s. You helped to save me once, and Capheus too,” Sun says. “If I need you again, will you leave me here alone? Because I am going to need you. Do you think it’s easy getting out of a jail?”

“You want me for a breakout?”

“I don’t know yet,” Sun says. “You don’t either.” She folds her arms. “Our strength comes from all eight of us together. Or do you expect the rest of us to pick up your slack?”

Riley comes back into the room. She sees Sun sitting there. She is surprised—preoccupation has made her less attentive to the cluster’s bonds than Will. They are all Will has now, but she is more connected to the world than ever.

“I thought I’d drop by,” Sun says.

“It’s nice to see you,” Riley says. Her smile is nervous—she still does not know Sun very well but the woman has always seemed clean cut and authoritative. “If I’d known you were coming I would have cleaned up…”

“It’s better than a prison cell,” Sun says. “Those are very neat.” She gestures at a porcelain tub and raises her eyebrows. “I’ve overheard you and Will having a lot of fun here lately…”

Riley blushes. Will gives Sun a look.

“Nothing wrong with that,” Sun says. “You might talk to Kala. I think she needs some advice.”

And with that she drops out of the room with the finality of a door clicking shut.

* * *

 

“Kala’s sex problems,” Will says. “I’d almost forgotten about them.”

He laughs achingly. He can feel Riley smiling at him, so painfully tender. She is trying so desperately to savor every little moment between the two of them, convinced that soon it will all be memories and he will be gone. She has not tried to save him from himself. She is so afraid of losing him that she refuses to speak of the possibility, as if she could incur a jinx.

“Things can be so complicated in normal relationships,” Riley says. Nostalgic, half regretful. “We are so much simpler.”

So much simpler when you only have to worry about dying. Then you can forget all the little things and carpe diem twenty-four seven. Kissing while only half conscious, spilling secrets you thought you would never share, sex on every available surface whenever Will is aware enough to get it up. They can’t waste any time. They can’t waste any opportunity. They have been living like they’re dying for the past few months.

It’s been killing her, Will realizes. It is killing her, all this dying business. It is killing the both of them more surely than Whispers ever could.

He touches her arm. “Later,” he says hesitantly, “We’ll have time to argue.”

“Oh?”

“We’ll have lots of awkward conversations. Our families will hate each other. We’ll have really bad sex,” he says. “Lots of problems. Lots of little problems.”

“You’ll forget to change your clothes or shower or eat.”

“I already forget to do those things.”

“Yes, but you’re drugged. I can’t blame you.”

“Well, I promise you’ll get the opportunity to tell me exactly how disgusting I am in graphic detail.”

Riley smiles. She is able to do this without crying now, even when she wants to cry. Her child taught her how. Someday she will unlearn these habits. She will have nightmares about the dangers she has faced and tell all her friends about how unfair it all was and scream and cry and set up lawsuits for dishonest medical practices.

For now she smiles.

* * *

 

Nomi overhears crying. She follows it to India, to a statue of Ganesh where Kala is kneeling. It is a small shrine, no one else around. And Kala is crumpled up, but through her sobs Nomi can feel the force of her prayers.

Nomi says, “Who are you worried about?”

Kala straightens slowly. She breathes in and out, in and out. She says, “Everyone.”

“Do you think we won’t be able to stop Whispers?” Nomi says. “Do you think Sun is going to be stuck in jail and Lito will always be harassed and I will always have to hide?”

Do you think Will is going to die?

“Lito will work it out. Capheus can protect himself. Wolfgang’s friend is on the mend,” Nomi says. “Sun…well, she’ll have to wait a while, but she’s safe as long as we’re around to keep her sane. You’ll have to work out your own problems, but we’re here for you.”

And now she smiles, conspiratorially. “As for me and Will and Whispers…Well, I have a plan.”

“You do?”

“I have the beginnings. Tell you what. Come back to my place. I’d like to have it a little more finalized before we show it to Will and Riley.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure why I'm out of the blue writing a suicide prevention fic. It's pretty far from my usual. I guess I've been in a mellow mood lately...Besides which, watching the between seasons episode I definitely felt like Will probably thought about it. And I was frustrated that they decided the best policy was to cut him off from the cluster entirely, which is why I totally ignored that policy here.  
> In some ways, I guess this fic is me dipping my toe in the pool. I tried out each of the characters, dabbled with their separate issues. But it's also very focused on Will, because Will needs help. Hopefully Season Two will help it.  
> WHICH REMINDS ME. I haven't seen Season Two yet. So while I'd love comments and kudos, please no spoilers. I want to enjoy the experience spoiler free.


End file.
